My last year of living in the city I ran a blog called 13 Years of NYC. It became a series of short stories of memories good and bad I had made over the years living there. Most of my stories were very light and meant to make the reader laugh. In these stories I found that even though I have no serious educational background in writing, I’m not terrible at it, people seem to like what I write and most importantly; it made me feel good. Cathartic is the best word to describe it. The last post I made was exactly one year ago and it was not at all about my Big Apple adventures. It was my last of three emotion-filled posts on dealing with fertility issues. My first post on this topic was more like a vent sesh of what its like to unexpectedly struggle when you thought it would be smooth sailing to pregnancy. Ahh, sweet naivety. My second post was a full blown therapy attempt to recover from one of the hardest things I have ever had to emotionally deal with. And my last post on the topic was last Mother’s Day. That one was about accepting what is, what will be and starting the process of moving on.
Well here we are, Mother’s day 2020. Four and a half years after we began our fertility journey and I am rocking a 23 week pregnant belly. Its been 23 weeks of pregnancy and I am still in major disbelief. After our emotional breaking point in 2018 we hadn’t really talked about our next step. I was not ok and I wasn’t ready to get my hopes up again. So we just lived. I focused on establishing a world for myself up here in the suburbs. He focused on making our property look like it belongs on the pages of Better Homes and Gardens and we just let life be. On Christmas Eve 2019, just a little over a year since our heartache and we (really he) brought the topic back to the table. Do we want to pursue IVF again? He was happy doing whatever I wanted. He would be happy trying again for a child and he would be happy spending money on trees instead of diapers. So really, the decision became mine to make. It’s strange to say I really hadn’t thought about it in a while because when the words fell out of my mouth I was surprised at how relieved I felt. “No. I do not want to go through that again.” Wow. That felt good. It felt like I had unknowingly been holding my breath and saying those words set me free. It wasn’t that I had changed my mind about a baby. I was still getting pangs of longing in my day to day but I have learned to accept those pangs and I knew wholeheartedly I could NOT go through the process of IVF again.