Hi Foxes! this is so surreal to be talking to you guys about sex. Specifically, how to tap back into your sexual energy. It feels like such a Carrie Bradshaw moment, to be honest. Now, we all know the topic of sex is a little taboo and not everyone feels totally cosy talking about blow jobs and vibrators over mimosas at brunch. So here we are using this safe space to break the ice.
Before we dive into the juicy details, it's probably best we get somewhat acquainted. My name is Melissa, I am pretty much your average hot mess attempting to navigate life across the pond in London. I spend my days studying lingerie design and dishing out the naked truth for all things intimate on my blog: Haute Commotion. NO taboo is off-limits from boobs to bras, body image, body parts, mental health and the Queen of all taboos: SEX.
Just to be completely transparent here: I am not a sex therapist, coach or even educator. I'm just an almost thirty-year-old woman who woke up one day after a two-year-long depression. Deciding it was time to re-explore those old territories and to entirely overshare the process. Because, although time usually heals all wounds, it sometimes leaves us with the aftermath of needing to rehabilitate and step into the new normal. For me, that meant taking back control by creating a new narrative. One that was much more educational and less reliant on partners who are just as clueless.
I'm sure we can mostly agree that we live in a society that prioritises men. This ideology also flows into our sex education, that focuses primarily on male pleasure. Leaving us, the vulva owners, left in the dust to figure it out on our own. So, I thought it would be best to seek out resources that taught sex from the female perspective. I attended vulva workshops, visited the Vagina Museum here in London, bought a few books, and binged on podcasts that didn't leave female pleasure out of the equation. (FYI: if you're nerdy like me and want some helpful resources, I suggest reading Vagina by Naomi Wolf and Come As You Are by Emily Nagosk. Oh, and definitely start listening to Sex With Emily, which is a sex-positive podcast). I had to unlearn a lot of false information and relearn new ideas. But basically, I've come to realise that tapping into your sexual energy, not a destination but a life long practice of a few different exercises.
Starting with: UNDERSTANDING YOUR ANATOMY.
Also, I should give a little bit of a warning for this next section: prepare to brace yourselves for a little TMI, because this will probably be the most awkward part of the practice (especially, if you've NEVER done this before). But I'm not the kind to hold back on information, so here we go.
CHECKING OUT THE GOODS.
Yep, you read that right. You gotta park yourself in front of a mirror and check out your goodies, lady bits, vulva [inserts whatever pet nickname you have]. I'm sure some of even thought "is this bitch on drugs, there is no fucking way". But before you write me off to the woo-woo Gods, hear me out. Or instead, answer these few questions, what do you REALLY know about your anatomy? Have you seen a vulva before? If your answer is "duh, porn", this exercise is DEFINITELY for you. Unfortunately, most of the vulvas featured in adult movies feature a small, bald tucked labia. Giving you a distorted idea of what "normal" looks like.
Plus, if you've never taken a sneak peek at yourself, how can you effectively direct your partner?
So, here is what I suggest. Go read this informative blog post by sex therapist Emily Morse, aka Sex With Emily. She writes all about the vulva and clitoris and all the different functions. Then pour yourself a tall glass of your favourite wine; turn that one playlist that keeps you cool, calm and collected; break out your fluffiest towel, park your ass down, and spread full eagle in front of the mirror. Maybe even to set the mood, light a few candles and get the essential oils flowing too? Sure this sounds a touch overdramatic, but I am a firm believer in romanticising the girl down there, and treat her like the Queen she is.
Before we go any further, it is time for you to do the work and officially become BFF's with your vulva. But stay tuned for the next few tips on how to tap back into your sexual energy.